{"items":["5fdf7821025aaf0034cb5764","5fdf7821025aaf0034cb5765","5fdf7821025aaf0034cb576c"],"styles":{"galleryType":"Columns","groupSize":1,"showArrows":true,"cubeImages":true,"cubeType":"max","cubeRatio":1.7777777777777777,"isVertical":true,"gallerySize":30,"collageAmount":0,"collageDensity":0,"groupTypes":"1","oneRow":false,"imageMargin":5,"galleryMargin":0,"scatter":0,"rotatingScatter":"","chooseBestGroup":true,"smartCrop":false,"hasThumbnails":false,"enableScroll":true,"isGrid":true,"isSlider":false,"isColumns":false,"isSlideshow":false,"cropOnlyFill":false,"fixedColumns":0,"enableInfiniteScroll":true,"isRTL":false,"minItemSize":50,"rotatingGroupTypes":"","rotatingCropRatios":"","columnWidths":"","gallerySliderImageRatio":1.7777777777777777,"numberOfImagesPerRow":3,"numberOfImagesPerCol":1,"groupsPerStrip":0,"borderRadius":0,"boxShadow":0,"gridStyle":0,"mobilePanorama":false,"placeGroupsLtr":false,"viewMode":"preview","thumbnailSpacings":4,"galleryThumbnailsAlignment":"bottom","isMasonry":false,"isAutoSlideshow":false,"slideshowLoop":false,"autoSlideshowInterval":4,"bottomInfoHeight":0,"titlePlacement":["SHOW_ON_THE_RIGHT","SHOW_BELOW"],"galleryTextAlign":"center","scrollSnap":false,"itemClick":"nothing","fullscreen":true,"videoPlay":"hover","scrollAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","slideAnimation":"SCROLL","scrollDirection":0,"scrollDuration":400,"overlayAnimation":"FADE_IN","arrowsPosition":0,"arrowsSize":23,"watermarkOpacity":40,"watermarkSize":40,"useWatermark":true,"watermarkDock":{"top":"auto","left":"auto","right":0,"bottom":0,"transform":"translate3d(0,0,0)"},"loadMoreAmount":"all","defaultShowInfoExpand":1,"allowLinkExpand":true,"expandInfoPosition":0,"allowFullscreenExpand":true,"fullscreenLoop":false,"galleryAlignExpand":"left","addToCartBorderWidth":1,"addToCartButtonText":"","slideshowInfoSize":200,"playButtonForAutoSlideShow":false,"allowSlideshowCounter":false,"hoveringBehaviour":"NEVER_SHOW","thumbnailSize":120,"magicLayoutSeed":1,"imageHoverAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imagePlacementAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","calculateTextBoxWidthMode":"PERCENT","textBoxHeight":26,"textBoxWidth":200,"textBoxWidthPercent":65,"textImageSpace":10,"textBoxBorderRadius":0,"textBoxBorderWidth":0,"loadMoreButtonText":"","loadMoreButtonBorderWidth":1,"loadMoreButtonBorderRadius":0,"imageInfoType":"ATTACHED_BACKGROUND","itemBorderWidth":0,"itemBorderRadius":0,"itemEnableShadow":false,"itemShadowBlur":20,"itemShadowDirection":135,"itemShadowSize":10,"imageLoadingMode":"BLUR","expandAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imageQuality":90,"usmToggle":false,"usm_a":0,"usm_r":0,"usm_t":0,"videoSound":false,"videoSpeed":"1","videoLoop":true,"jsonStyleParams":"","gallerySizeType":"px","gallerySizePx":1000,"allowTitle":true,"allowContextMenu":true,"textsHorizontalPadding":-30,"itemBorderColor":{"themeName":"color_12","value":"rgba(191,191,191,0)"},"showVideoPlayButton":true,"galleryLayout":2,"calculateTextBoxHeightMode":"MANUAL","targetItemSize":1000,"selectedLayout":"2|bottom|1|max|true|0|true","layoutsVersion":2,"selectedLayoutV2":2,"isSlideshowFont":true,"externalInfoHeight":26,"externalInfoWidth":0.65},"container":{"width":300,"galleryWidth":305,"galleryHeight":0,"scrollBase":0,"height":null}}
Hell is a White Room With No Windows

when I was twelve I was told that not going
to church every Sunday was a mortal sin
what my grandmother didn’t know (or perhaps did)
was when she told me this, she
in essence, told her own granddaughter - the second
daughter of her first-born, that she would essentially
burn in Hell for not attending church
but I went to Catholic school for eleven years,
I was an altar server for two, I was a Christian
before I could utter a word
and so I started to think rather than pray
for years I lingered on my invented mantra of
God hates me, God hates me
until I realized, until I asked myself
why do I need the approval of (your) God I am not even sure I believe in?
I’m unsure when I started to think like
an agnostic, or a humanist, or an atheist (at times)
but I remember asking myself
if God has a plan for everything, why do
we pray to change (his) course?
a God (in the sky?) so beyond our comprehension
that religion – nonsecular and sluggish, is irrelevant,
unwanted
yet I do believe in the infinity of the human soul
I have felt my sister’s since her parting
and I see her in dreams, in butterflies, in light
in arcane humanity is where I see God
in art, through the lens of a ballpoint pen,
in the will to live despite depression, anxiety
saying no, saying no, screaming no
and Hell? Hell is a white room with no windows
a windowless room save for a rectangle of light
high enough for me to claw my way to the top, on the walls
high enough for me to carve with my bare nails “Jesus is not my savior”
Hell is an overnight stay in a sterile hovel where
the 86 year-old woman next to you is vomiting
where the mixed company includes a man brandishing
an invisible knife, and another man begging for release
and the Devil? the Devil are those who send you there
with the promise of life, a cure for fear
so after that lively experience, I began to study, began to question
an array of philosophies you wouldn’t dare find within a Catholic school
library – words that justified, words that embodied
my hunger, my thirst for a truth of my own
yes, I do believe in a God, just not the way you do
God appears to me in the form of a 4am fever dream urging me to write
and write, and write again
God appears to me as an envisage of hope - blood like battery fluid,
teeth like intention, skin like survival
I confess that whenever someone thanks Jesus
for the smallest thing, I smuggle a distant
subtle eye roll
but that is none of my concern
for at last I found my religion
at last, my religion is curiosity
About the author: Arielle Tipa is a writer and editor based in New York who has appeared in FIVE:2:ONE Magazine, thread, Alien Mouth, and Mirror Dance, among others.