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Hello Aloneness My Old Friend
Outside I hear the rain, it cries
In a room full of grey curled up in a little ball I rock back and forth soothing my aching sorrow
Outside the sun shines
It rains inside my head
Sorrow takes me by the hand and mops my falling tears with soft wispy clouds
We travel deep and go past the point of no return
Stretched before me lie my fears as far as the eye can see
A derelict field clad in black partially obscured by a menacing rising charcoal mist
On this day I remain present with my pain
Paralysed I witness an awful reality
As the rain pounds my head I face my demons
I check my breathing
I live
I do not die
What is this fear?
I step inside it and feel how it asserts its power over me
I want to run but my shoes stay put
Aloneness!
There is no-one here
I am the abandoned child
I am alone inside my painful thoughts yet I search for something that I have forgotten
I know not what it is but internal unrest indicates something is misplaced within me
My life – each rejection cementing a core belief in aloneness
I rise higher and glimpse a field the colour white behind the blackness that chokes my soul
White roses as far as the eye can see greet me their sweet aroma filling my nostrils bringing peace to my tormented heart
In the distance I see a tree, its heart shaped leaves sway in the breeze
Ribbons hang from every branch in all the colours of the rainbow
I hung my wishes on this tree so very long ago before I could forget who I was
It has been standing in the same place, a little way behind my fears for the longest of times
Its roots reach deep into the earth and its branches touch God in heaven
I read the wishes on every ribbon and on many of the branches are special messages and well wishes from my friends in heaven
I fall to my knees and in gratitude begin to pray as my eyes are opened to such divine beauty
How foolish to believe that I am all alone when the whole of nature is in a constant flux of song and dance
I had learnt to hear less
See less
Feel less
Taste less
Love less
Be less
Yet how ironic that only through aloneness could this gift reveal itself to me
For it was only in the stillness and the quiet that I could have come to rest in this place
Here I learnt to hear more
See more
Feel more
Taste more
Love more
Be more
And I thank this fear
For only through standing outside its door and finding the courage to walk through it was the truth revealed