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Plath or Woolf or Pink Lemonade

March 22, 2019

 

When I was twenty I dreamt of a gas range.

It worked for her, I told myself.

It was the only way to go.

the most poetic end

the most triumphant

 

Why do all the great suicides take place in London?

I thought about how many extra rocks it would take to drown myself in the Thames.

Obsessively checked bodies of water where I could be carried away but none were in London

None of those lakes and streams took the last breath of Virginia

My alternate patron saint of suicide

So what was the point?

 

When I was 20 I crushed up a hundred pills of tylenol extra strength Mixed it with pink lemonade

The college-girl mentality

A beautiful, tragic death

People would weep at the open casket

Gauzy dress and tiny wrists

 

Funny, that college-girl mentality

I’d been thinking about off myself since I was twelve

I imagined I could know Sylvia

if I could die young too

leave behind my unfinished works

so people could curate the stories for me

 

let someone else do the messy work

twisting my heartaches into a story

one worth saying out loud

 

but pink lemonade might look right for the perfect literary icon suicide

the aesthetic of femininity

the glass shattered on the floor when I lost consciousness
 

but acidic beverages don’t hide the taste of Tylenol

and when you drop the glass

your Ikea mattress will forever be stained pink

how’s that for the college-girl mentality?

Am I now the icon I’ve always dreamt of becoming?

 

They tell you lies

Lies with the fuzzy outline of

Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf

The pain of women who lived years before you were born

who should have been over eighty when I was twenty and planning my suicide

 

But I am here

yet to write my magnus opus

the things they could have written

the stories you can tell

not to give them up to gas ovens

and rocks in your pockets

 

You can drink pink lemonade and whisky,

and black coffee when you feel like it.

 

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